FEELINGS woaah FEELINGS...Offspring song?

I hate feelings so much that at one point I had pretty much killed them all entirely...a sort of emotional suicide I s'pose. Well now I got 'em and I'm trying to live with them and trying to learn from them and all of that Oprah bullshit that people do when they are "healing" and "growing." Sort of going through a sort of breakup. Not sure what is going to happen and it scares the living you-know-what outta me. I have never not had a boyfriend. (talk about a DOUBLE negative ((grammar joke)))

My gentlemen lover and I are giving each other 48 hours of space. That is 48 hours of no contact. I know it doesn't sound like long, but in two and a half years I have never gone longer than 12 hours without talking to this man, probably not even 12. So I've about about 30 more to go and I just feel terrible.

Things I need to do today:

- Do dishes
-vacuum
-stop messing around on the internet
-do homework
-go to class
- go to gym?


It's during times like these that I don't take care of myself. Didn't go the gym for the past threeish days (I've been walking the dog and biking to class though...that counts....right?) I skipped all of my classes one day and my apartment looks like a crack house... I do not want my life to fall down the toilet because of this, I feel like things are getting out of control and I want to get a handle on them today. I went to an NA meeting yesterday and that was helpful, I have been keeping in contact with the friends I consider to be the closest and most comforting.

This sucks.

September 5

It's a dreary and beautiful Saturday morning. Usually on Friday nights I take my dog out to my parents' farm and let her romp around all afternoon while I lounge around their spacious house. Saturday mornings I take a cup of my dad's thick and rich coffee before heading out to work. I guess it's pretty lame that I hang at my parents' place, but it is comforting now. This week was pretty good. I starting obsessing over my weight after reading a book that is all about this girls' experiences with anorexia and bulimia. I feel good in that, even though I do want to lose weight, I know I do not want to obsess to the point where I become so self-involved and miserable that I push everyone away. I also do not want to look disgustingly "perfect" and deathly beautiful. I just want to shed a few pounds. I guess that is how it all started though...

Anyway, it should be a fun night. My boyfriend is coming into town and we'll probably see this band play in a town about 30 minutes from here. I hope it's fun. I always seem to set my expectations WAY to high for nights that I hope to have fun, and then by midnight I'm just disappointed and bored and sick of smoking way too many expensive cigarettes. Hopefully that won't be the story for tonight. I just don't really yet understand how one has fun, can go "out" and "party" without getting at least a little hammered to feel a little loose and maybe careless.

This week I have been thinking a lot about the more socially acceptable drugs...Pot and alcohol that is. Sometimes I wonder if the fact that I think about them at all is not a result of my experiences as a drug addict, but instead is a result of their heavy presence in society and especially among young adults my age. I would just love to get a little high and a little drunk, just one bottle of wine. I don't though. I have two years clean and as a result I have a lot of other things in my life that I appreciate...and I've been convinced that if I do go out and have that bottle of wine and a little bit o' weed, I'll lose it all in an instant. I don't know I am actually convinced though. It just doesn't seem fair that some can enjoy some of those simple pleasures in life, like not feeling, and others can't because we take it too far. Or so we believe.

That's all for now. Not that anyone reads this because I don't advertise it....anywhere...

Two Years

So today I have two years clean...it's been a pretty amazing journey. I'm still dealing with issues that existed before and during my active addiction, and lately that has been consuming me. I have an eating disorder, and thought I do not act on it today, that is, I'm not technically anorexic or bulimic anymore, the state of mind comes and goes. I have been doing things lately that are not conducive to recover: searching pro-ana sites, reading books that are only about the disease and not about recovery. I guess there is some part of me that still wants to be in the world of eating disorders, there's a part of me that wants to remain sick.

However, in the last two years I fought a battle against heroin, alcohol, and any other drug you can imagine, and won. I have a steady job, I am a student, and I have real relationships with people who love me, including my family. My life is much better than it was two years ago and it has been an unforgettable journey. I do things for other people, like go the local jail and speak with the women about recovery, I help out newcomers to the 12 step program I belong to, and it all feels really good. I also have a dog with whom I am obsessed and adore with every fiber of my being.

I am not sure why I am blogging about any of this, and I'm pretty sure no one is ever going to read it, but here it is. It's out there for whatever its worth.

I guess I am here to be honest.

First Blog Ever

I'm not sure why I decided to start blogging. I'm not sure what to blog about, if and what to divulge about myself. I'm not even sure how people find blogs to read, so I'm not sure who if anyone will decide to read this one.

I am a recovering addict and I will have two years clean tomorrow. I haven't put a drug of any kind, including alcohol, in my body for two years.

So for two years I have built a new person. Maybe that is what this blog is about. Life as this new, unfamiliar person.

Cheers.