September 5

It's a dreary and beautiful Saturday morning. Usually on Friday nights I take my dog out to my parents' farm and let her romp around all afternoon while I lounge around their spacious house. Saturday mornings I take a cup of my dad's thick and rich coffee before heading out to work. I guess it's pretty lame that I hang at my parents' place, but it is comforting now. This week was pretty good. I starting obsessing over my weight after reading a book that is all about this girls' experiences with anorexia and bulimia. I feel good in that, even though I do want to lose weight, I know I do not want to obsess to the point where I become so self-involved and miserable that I push everyone away. I also do not want to look disgustingly "perfect" and deathly beautiful. I just want to shed a few pounds. I guess that is how it all started though...

Anyway, it should be a fun night. My boyfriend is coming into town and we'll probably see this band play in a town about 30 minutes from here. I hope it's fun. I always seem to set my expectations WAY to high for nights that I hope to have fun, and then by midnight I'm just disappointed and bored and sick of smoking way too many expensive cigarettes. Hopefully that won't be the story for tonight. I just don't really yet understand how one has fun, can go "out" and "party" without getting at least a little hammered to feel a little loose and maybe careless.

This week I have been thinking a lot about the more socially acceptable drugs...Pot and alcohol that is. Sometimes I wonder if the fact that I think about them at all is not a result of my experiences as a drug addict, but instead is a result of their heavy presence in society and especially among young adults my age. I would just love to get a little high and a little drunk, just one bottle of wine. I don't though. I have two years clean and as a result I have a lot of other things in my life that I appreciate...and I've been convinced that if I do go out and have that bottle of wine and a little bit o' weed, I'll lose it all in an instant. I don't know I am actually convinced though. It just doesn't seem fair that some can enjoy some of those simple pleasures in life, like not feeling, and others can't because we take it too far. Or so we believe.

That's all for now. Not that anyone reads this because I don't advertise it....anywhere...